im laying wide awake at 2 a.m. just reminiscing about the times I’ve spent by your side, and how much I miss sitting in front of you to tell you about my long days. you dont know this but you changed my life for the best. I can’t picture what person I could’ve become if it weren’t for you. you stood by my side through all the hardships and truly shaped who I am today. every day that im fighting is for you, to make you and him proud. and I miss your voice in the mornings, your endless and unconditional love. I never wanted to leave but I needed to grow, and I feel like it was such a hard choice. and some days I regret it… I try to see you often just to feel that sense of security that you never failed to give me. I try to feel your warmth every time we embrace, and sometimes I feel like if I hold you long enough, maybe that warmth will linger with me until I see you again, which takes days and hours that I dont have. I feel like im failing you, because lately its like ive invested all of my time and energy into one thing that isn’t you. it seems so selfish. because you’ve spent all your time and energy into me and my growth. yet here I am, spending my time and energy into something that isn’t directly benefiting you. I want to make you proud– but sometimes maybe I dont, and I am so sorry. im sorry for any pain ive inflicted on you and any sadness I might’ve caused you. I need you to know that I just want to see you happy. you deserve so much better than what life has given you. youre so special and hold so much value in your kind heart. I aspire to have a heart just as big as yours one day. im going to keep fighting for you. im so tired and exhausted, every day gets harder. but I need to fight because you’ve fought so hard to get me this far, and giving up isn’t fair. and I won’t add more to your plate with my shortcomings. ill keep fighting for you because youre worth fighting for, and ill do my best to make you proud of me. you’ve seen me grow into the person I am today, and with growth comes sacrifice and scars, growth hurts… but its necessary. im growing each day ma… and its hurting… i wish you were here so I could tell you this, but I can’t say these things without breaking and I know how badly that would hurt you, because you always told me that it hurts you to see me cry. so ill save these tears to myself and keep fighting with a smile on my face, until one day I find peace. I love you forever. stay strong for me ❤

10/11/2022 — 1:35 a.m.